The only reason I'm posting here is because no one reads this blog anymore. And that's something bittersweet, if you ask me. For one, the memories I have with this blog are some of the best of my life and the fact that it's defunct now makes me a bit sad. But on the other hand, there's no one who'll probably read this and that gives me a sense of...comfort, I guess? I wanted to delete each and every post from this blog once, but I decided against it for some reason. We humans are funny that way. We hold on to memories like a child holding on to his/her mom.
Memories.
That reminds me why I'm here in the first place. I know it's too soon, but somehow I want to forget all the memories I have with you. And it's kinda ironic too. Because those memories were some of the best I've had in my life.
But somehow, you not being in my life anymore makes them feel insignificant now. At the same time, they're so important to me that I can't forget them. I know I won't be able to forget them, no matter what, but like always, we as humans want things that we can never get or never achieve. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, because you never know unless you never try. But when you see you can't have it after trying to get it, you still go after it. We're stupid that way.
I still can't come to terms with the fact that you're not mine anymore. All those times you said "I love you" and "I'm never going to leave you" are still fresh in my mind and it doesn't want to leave that stage. It's been a week since I told you those 3 words. Not because I don't love you anymore. But because I'm scared you don't feel the same now and you won't say those words to me. I don't understand why this happened to us. We were so happy. At least I was. All the things that I assumed you were, now seem doubtful to me. Like how I assumed you were happy with me too. How I assumed you would always want to be with me. How I assumed that you would never leave me like this. And how I assumed that you love me, and you'd love me no matter what happens.
You told me to move on. Whatever reason to have for it, I don't really care about it. All I care is about how you could do easily ask me to just "move on". Like this meant nothing. Well, I don't know if it did to you, because it meant a lot to me. It was the thing I cared about the most all these days. And I can't believe you told me to just move on like it was nothing. The worst part is that it makes me wonder if you ever cared about this. About us. I could never tell you to move on so easily. I could never tell you to just forget whatever feelings you have for me (if you do at all) and be alright. Just like that. It doesn't fucking work like that.
3 weeks. We lasted 3 weeks. I bet even NSA relationships last longer than that. But those 3 weeks were some the best days of my life. I'm not exaggerating when I say that. Then this happened and suddenly it feels like you don't care about it anymore. And that you never did.
I know you told me when we got into this, that you didn't want to label us anything. "Relationship" "dating" "boyfriend/girlfriend", nothing. But we were together, nevertheless weren't we? Did that mean nothing to you? And if it did, why do you seem like it didn't?
I knew about him from the start. I knew you still loved him even though you weren't with him anymore. But I also knew that you wanted to get over him, move on. Well, at least that's what you told me and I believed you. You told me you would never want to be with him again. Said that you both were toxic for each other. I was with you all along. I was there for you. I supported you too. And that's what hurts the most right now. The fact that you realized, after being with me, that you still want him. That you still want to be with him. It makes me feel like I wasn't enough. Like I couldn't do enough to make you stay. I know I shouldn't feel like this, but I can't help it. I want to know what you see in him that I couldn't give you. I want to know what made you go back to him, after being with me. I want to know why you still want him, when he told you clearly that even though he loves you, he doesn't want you back anymore.
The worst thing is, even though you clearly chose him over me, I'd still take you back if you changed your mind. I still want to be with you, though you left me even after I begged you to stay with me, to not leave me. And I hate myself for it.
You made me feel wanted, you made me feel loved. Now I feel lonely again. I feel lost. I feel I'm not enough. And I feel I'll never be enough for you.
"I suppose it won't matter when I'm 38, but I'm upset about it."
-Submarine (2010)
