plea

can we act like lovers, one last time?

pain

"Emptiness (n.) the state of containing nothing."
Then why does it hurt so much when you're feeling empty inside? Shouldn't it feel like "nothing", as the definition describes it to be? I don't understand.
I can't believe it's been almost week. Each day is a struggle, trying to go to bed in one piece when it feels you've been broken into a million parts. Doing your best to get to the next day while trying to ignore the void you feel inside, that starts from the lump in your throat, and ends at your stomach. The worst part about this void is that it actually feels it's something physical. Like it's actually there. Like you've been cut open and all your insides have been removed. The lump in your throat just doesn't go, no matter how hard you try to swallow it. And it still doesn't get you going. I haven't cried my heart out yet, but I don't think that time is far away from here. Every time I see something or I listen to a song that reminds me of you, I feel I'm going to break down. But I don't. I control myself. I'm scared someone might see me and ask questions, and I'm in no condition to answer anything to anyone.
I'm lost. Broken. Lonely. Frustrated. Hurt. I'm desperate. I'm desperate for your love, for you. I need you. I need you to be with me. I need you to stay by my side. All those quotes telling you how you don't need someone else to feel happy and good about yourself are bullshit at this time. How can I feel that way on my own, when you were the one who made me feel amazing? How can I be happy when you were the only one who made me feel like I'm wanted? Tell me how and I will. Please. I want this to stop. I want this to end. I want to feel happy again. I want love. I want you.
Please come back.

missing

The only reason I'm posting here is because no one reads this blog anymore. And that's something bittersweet, if you ask me. For one, the memories I have with this blog are some of the best of my life and the fact that it's defunct now makes me a bit sad. But on the other hand, there's no one who'll probably read this and that gives me a sense of...comfort, I guess? I wanted to delete each and every post from this blog once, but I decided against it for some reason. We humans are funny that way. We hold on to memories like a child holding on to his/her mom.

Memories.

That reminds me why I'm here in the first place. I know it's too soon, but somehow I want to forget all the memories I have with you. And it's kinda ironic too. Because those memories were some of the best I've had in my life.
But somehow, you not being in my life anymore makes them feel insignificant now. At the same time, they're so important to me that I can't forget them. I know I won't be able to forget them, no matter what, but like always, we as humans want things that we can never get or never achieve. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, because you never know unless you never try. But when you see you can't have it after trying to get it, you still go after it. We're stupid that way.
I still can't come to terms with the fact that you're not mine anymore. All those times you said "I love you" and "I'm never going to leave you" are still fresh in my mind and it doesn't want to leave that stage. It's been a week since I told you those 3 words. Not because I don't love you anymore. But because I'm scared you don't feel the same now and you won't say those words to me. I don't understand why this happened to us. We were so happy. At least I was. All the things that I assumed you were, now seem doubtful to me. Like how I assumed you were happy with me too. How I assumed you would always want to be with me. How I assumed that you would never leave me like this. And how I assumed that you love me, and you'd love me no matter what happens.
You told me to move on. Whatever reason to have for it, I don't really care about it. All I care is about how you could do easily ask me to just "move on". Like this meant nothing. Well, I don't know if it did to you, because it meant a lot to me. It was the thing I cared about the most all these days. And I can't believe you told me to just move on like it was nothing. The worst part is that it makes me wonder if you ever cared about this. About us. I could never tell you to move on so easily. I could never tell you to just forget whatever feelings you have for me (if you do at all) and be alright. Just like that. It doesn't fucking work like that.
3 weeks. We lasted 3 weeks. I bet even NSA relationships last longer than that. But those 3 weeks were some the best days of my life. I'm not exaggerating when I say that. Then this happened and suddenly it feels like you don't care about it anymore. And that you never did.

I know you told me when we got into this, that you didn't want to label us anything. "Relationship" "dating" "boyfriend/girlfriend", nothing. But we were together, nevertheless weren't we? Did that mean nothing to you? And if it did, why do you seem like it didn't?

I knew about him from the start. I knew you still loved him even though you weren't with him anymore. But I also knew that you wanted to get over him, move on. Well, at least that's what you told me and I believed you. You told me you would never want to be with him again. Said that you both were toxic for each other. I was with you all along. I was there for you. I supported you too. And that's what hurts the most right now. The fact that you realized, after being with me, that you still want him. That you still want to be with him. It makes me feel like I wasn't enough. Like I couldn't do enough to make you stay. I know I shouldn't feel like this, but I can't help it. I want to know what you see in him that I couldn't give you. I want to know what made you go back to him, after being with me. I want to know why you still want him, when he told you clearly that even though he loves you, he doesn't want you back anymore.

The worst thing is, even though you clearly chose him over me, I'd still take you back if you changed your mind. I still want to be with you, though you left me even after I begged you to stay with me, to not leave me. And I hate myself for it.

You made me feel wanted, you made me feel loved. Now I feel lonely again. I feel lost. I feel I'm not enough. And I feel I'll never be enough for you.

"I suppose it won't matter when I'm 38, but I'm upset about it."
-Submarine (2010)

please

Ma, please don't let me slip away,

I've got so much to see, so many things to change.

Didn't you tell me, I would always be safe in your everlasting arms?

Then why is my soul being torn apart?

I don't want to leave this world so soon,

Please Ma, I've got so much to see, so many things to change.

I didn't see what happened,

Why am I in so much pain?

Did I do something wrong, that I shouldn't do again?

Save me Ma, I've got so much to see, so many things to change.

Why are you crying Ma, I will never leave you!

Why are you carrying me Da? I'm old enough to walk now!

Whats that red stain on your shirt? Did I ruin it and how?

Why am I bleeding Da, I don't want to die!

Don't let me go! I've got so much to see, so many things to change.

I can feel my body pass away,

There's nothing I can hear, nothing I can say.

Just know, I love you Ma and I love you Da.

I wish I had a little more time,

I had so much to see, so many things to change.

In memory of the 132 students who passed away in the barbaric siege of a school in Peshawar, Pakistan on 16th December, 2014.

Please don't stop the rain.

"If it's gonna be a rainy day, there's nothing we can do to make it change. You can sing for sunny weather, but that won't stop the rain."

Ah. Rains. Who doesn't love rains? And when you're living in a city like Mumbai, you'll rarely find a person who hates the rainy season. After those bloody summer days, when you feel like you're sublimating, monsoon is the thing you look forward to the most. And to be honest, personally I prefer the "depressing" cloudy, grey days, unlike most people who love "cheerful" bright days. You may say I'm a depressed soul, but that's totally not the reason. Sometimes, the sunny weather makes me feel more exposed to the world, more vulnerable. On the other hand, the dark cloudy days feel like a much needed shield from all the exposure. Go figure. Maybe it's because, all my life I've been a bit of an introvert, staying to myself rather than with other people. "In my own world" you may say.
When I was a kid, monsoon was kind like a bittersweet season for me. Sweet cuz woohoo rains! And bitter cuz the start of monsoon also meant the start of The Bad Place, which was basically what I used to call school when I was little. Sigh. I miss those days. When the only worry you had was probably completing your homework. When the world seemed a lot more simpler and better than it does now. Every year, monsoon reminds me of school so much. Those days, those memories of school, seem so close, yet so far away. Those carefree days, when we played in the rains with all our friends, even though we knew we'd be screwed once we got home. And as we grew up, rains had a completely different meaning than that when we were kids. A walk in the rain, whether alone (for people like me), or with someone *ahem* is always priceless. Purposely forgetting to take your umbrella, just so that you can get drenched in the rain and have a lame excuse for it at home. Standing in the pouring rain, forgetting about the world around you. Losing yourself. That feeling. And when you're stuck inside your house for some reason, you always have your window for company. Watching the rain make the surroundings greener and greener. The sweet smell of mud, leaves, grass, flowers and everything nature has to offer, mixed together. Listening to all those slow, peaceful songs on your playlist. Lost in your thoughts. Relatable? I bet. Then there are the long drives during a heavy rain pour that are just unmatchable.
Sometimes I wish it would rain all year long, but then, that'll just take the preciousness out of it. Every year, I wait for monsoon to begin, and the wait just makes it even better.
So as the rains come back this year, I wish everyone has a great time and stay safe. :)

I should really get back to studying.
Au revoir!

Songs of the day:

Please don't stop the rain - James Morrison

Coming Home Pt. II - Skylar Grey

Is this it - The Strokes (not related to rains, but I love this song)